Letters To You
by Liebling
Summary: “You’re so perfect, you don’t even know it.” “I’ve never been perfect.” (RemusLily)


Author's Notice: To answer everyone's questions, yes, I have seen PoA. There was some hinting at Remus/Lily, just in the way Remus talked about her. But I've always loved them together, so here's another Remus/Lily. I should write them more often. Sorry but italics/bold aren't working, it really stinks, but I wanted to post this anyway :) Odd ending. All my other possible endings didn't work. It's got some sweet moments, but it's also pretty darn angsty. (I'm lovin' the angst.) Remus and Lily are angsty. Get over it.  
  
"And it won't take long to burn  
  
Through the nothing that you've learned  
  
And the things you choose to be  
  
All eyes on me  
  
But your eyes look away  
  
It's so hard to be someone  
  
Strung out from today"  
  
All Eyes On Me (Goo Goo Dolls, Dizzy Up The Girl.)  
  
x  
  
x  
  
x  
  
"Jaaaaames..." sniff "...hates me!"  
  
"James could never hate you, Lily."  
  
"Yes, he does! I used up the last of his ink. He hates me."  
  
"James could not even hate you. Not even a little."  
  
"He yelled at me."  
  
He's laughing now. She's so young. So childish. He is already a werewolf, already. So young.   
  
So young here with you.   
  
He wipes away a tiny tear from the corner of her eye. "Oh, Lily, what are we going to do with you when you get big?"  
  
"Whaddya mean, Remus?"   
  
"I mean, when people yell at you about more important things than ink bottles."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know. Hearts, maybe?"  
  
"You're very silly, Remus. You'll be the death of me someday."  
  
x  
  
x  
  
x  
  
There were, of course, more important problems out there than ink bottles. A war was brewing. People were scared, afraid, confused. Lily was safe, of course. Such good friends...such good friends to keep me safe.  
  
Ink bottles were the least of their worries.  
  
Sirius, it was said, was suffering the most of the marauders. Sirius will collapse one day, Lily used to say, charm is such a burden. Jokes were few. Usually he was found slumped over the marauders map: 'And Dumbledore is riiiight...there.' Often, Black would have a sweet or two for Lily. A compliment and a piece of Honeydukes chocolate. Rarely now. Sometimes he'd stuff them in her book bag, or in between a page in her book, with messy scrawled writing: 'You're lucky because you're so happy.'   
  
"Sirius is gonna die, Lupin."  
  
He wants to laugh, but this is such a serious subject.  
  
"Eh, rough times."  
  
"No, really. He's always so sad. I don't know what to do. I want to make him better."  
  
Once again, he wants to laugh. How can you make someone better...how can you take away history?  
  
"He'll come around. If you want to help him give him a cigar."  
  
"Sometimes, Remus, you make things sound so simple."  
  
"Things are simple, Lily."  
  
"Do you think Sirius fancies me?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You heard me didn't you, Remus? Do you think Sirius fancies me?"  
  
"Don't know...suppose, don't know. It'd be stupid of you to get involved with him."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"I mean, Lily," you exasperate me, "that Sirius is very quick and very sharp and very witty. I mean, he's unstable."  
  
She smiles, suppose you're right Remus. "I guess. Well, I'm going to go now. You'll help me with my potions homework tonight, right?"  
  
"I always do, don't I?"  
  
"Suppose."  
  
She starts walking away from the Whomping Willow, all smiles and laughter. Turning to face Remus once more, she blows him a quick kiss. He laughs. Lily is such a silly girl.   
  
All goes blank.  
  
x  
  
x  
  
x  
  
I think the hardest part about love, Lily once commented, is that it doesn't end. You either love someone all the time, or you never love them. Well, except with me and James. I only sometimes love James, and I rarely love Sirius.  
  
If you would've asked Remus Lupin about love, you would have gotten a different answer. You would have gotten a chuckle, maybe a snort, he would've downed another shot, and he would've said: "If you're talking about love...as in THE love. The love of my life. I don't know. I don't know at all."  
  
Such different views.  
  
Cynicism comes so quickly. So quickly. But true innocence can never leave you. Cynicism comes so quickly.  
  
In their fourth year, Remus was an angel and Lily was a devil. Things changed. A lot. Things always changed when you were fourteen.  
  
x  
  
x  
  
x  
  
"I hear you're dating Malfoy."  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"Why would you do something that stupid?" He doesn't want his voice to be so loud, but it is, and he can't help it. He knows so many other words that are better than stupid. Dull, dense, hebetudinous. But he only uses stupid. Only uses stupid.  
  
She walks a bit closer to him, sticks out her tongue, rolls her eyes, and finally responds. "I guess I like being stupid, Remus." Such a biting voice.  
  
He takes a step back, his back against the tree. "Broken hearts are hard to heal," he sighs.  
  
"Anything broken is hard to heal," she says, very quietly. "I used the last of James' ink today. I think he laughed about it today. He's a very smart boy, you know."  
  
"You always use James' ink, don't you have your own?"  
  
"Sometimes, sometimes not. I write letters too often."  
  
"To Malfoy?"  
  
"If I want...sometimes to Mummy and Daddy, sometimes to you."  
  
"You don't never send 'em."  
  
"'Course I don't, Remus."  
  
He takes one step towards her, and grabs her tiny hand and holds onto it tightly. "It's okay if you wanna cry, Lily..."  
  
"I know, but I don't want to."  
  
It's a very windy day, you know.   
  
It looks like the trees are going to fall.  
  
x  
  
x  
  
x  
  
Eventually, like most things, the relationship between Malfoy and Evans ended. Three months, nine days. Remus described her in "heavy mourning" for two months. Chocolate, fashion magazines, and talking to him...that was about all she did. She went to classes too, but she was half absent. Remus would say later that Malfoy "very much so changed her" but that "everything goes back to normal...eventually."  
  
Lily would comment about her relationship with Malfoy, "I got through it with Remus. My victory is his victory and vice-a-versa. I'm lucky I have someone to share my life with."  
  
"Remus."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For being here."  
  
"It's a rotten job, but someone's got to do it," he teases. She laughs.  
  
"It isn't too rotten though, is it?"  
  
"'Course not."  
  
"How was the last full moon?"  
  
"Like it always is, Lily..."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Thank you for asking."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"I know, everyone is. It's no one's fault."  
  
She smiles. Smiling can make everything better, Remus.  
  
x  
  
x  
  
x  
  
"Did you go to the party last night?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Slytherin common room, nine at night...everyone was there, Lupin."  
  
"I wasn't."  
  
"We stayed up all night..." she laughs. "It got pretty crazy."  
  
"Do you like that?"  
  
"Sometimes."  
  
"I don't think I would. A moviestar life..."  
  
"I'm not perfect."  
  
"You're so perfect, you don't even know it."  
  
"I've never been perfect."  
  
"Mrs. Potter has to be perfect," he says, very quietly.   
  
"I'm not Mrs. Potter. I'm just Lily. The little girl you grew up with...the same little girl who loved you."  
  
"You've changed. Everyone has."  
  
"No, Remus, not me."  
  
"Maybe you don't even know what perfect is."  
  
"Perfect," she says quietly taking his hand, "is us. The future."  
  
x   
  
x   
  
x  
  
Eventually, she'll fall for him. And never stop falling. Never, never, never. Eventually, of course, he has fallen for her as well. She will kiss him, his first kiss, and he's sixteen. She will realize, after all of these years, that Remus is who she wants to spend her life with. Between sixth year and seventh year something happened, I can't tell you...but people change so quickly. And now she is engaged to James, what do to...what to do without you. They are all so secretive...that was the thing back then, secrets. Don't tell anyone, tisn't safe. Lily believed it second, Remus believed it first.  
  
Eventually, the world will go pitch black. Not a prayer...not a prayer for us. Of course, there is so much life left to live. So much sunlight to take in. Oh Remus, I love it when the sun comes out and smiles. Life is not taken for granted in these times, they are all well aware of the dangers of war. Dangers of war...there are so many.  
  
Eventually, she will find his soul and he will no longer be lost. He will no longer float through life, sad and afraid. She will be able to help him the same way he helped her. Lots. And lots. She will be able to make the world spin for him, spinning so fast.   
  
It's the last day of school. Hogwarts. Class of...well, no one keeps track of time anymore. It's been a long day...a long week, a long month, a long year. It's been very long. They are very tired now with faces that have been up all night. Whispering, laughing, remembering.   
  
x  
  
x  
  
x  
  
I'm just Lily. The little girl you grew up with...the same little girl who loved you.  
  
x  
  
x  
  
x 


End file.
